trying to re-group.... and reflect.....

Needless to say, it's been an awful, awful.... awful week. My head and heart are still in a tail spin, and it feels so quiet an empty around here. Two less dog bowls to feed out, empty stall in the barn... it's what happens when you love animals so much. You surround yourself with their love and yet know that they don't live with you (physically) forever... and you make the gamble of if it's worth it. It is, I know that answer, but you have to be willing to deal with the heart ache too.

The worst part is, we didn't expect it from either Cam or Duke...sure, they were both showing some age, but over all their health appeared to be good. It's a good reminder to me that you really need to take care of them, regular vet visits, knowing their habits... spending the time with them... because the obviously can't tell you when they don't feel well... you just need to know. And even with all that, you can be taken by surprise. The last thing I expected was to see Cam's x-rays showing all those tumors in her lungs.... And with Duke, the weather causing him to be thrown off.. and then colic.... 

but in my heart of hearts, we loved these two so very much and did everything in our power to give them happy heathy lives, and they knew it. They loved us back... and there are people who have not as a good of a life as our pets do....

And then, what do I do... begin to look to see "what is out there" for another horse. I saw an ad for one and Ed and I went to look. Maybe it's too soon, I need to chose right for both me and Tonka. We looked at a spotted draft, he was quite handsome and the lady was pretty nice. She told me that he hasn't had any attention in over a year, OK.. I get that... means he needs work. But, what I saw totally shocked me. Work wasn't even the word. His manners were horrid.. not respect for space.. they harnessed him (with some trouble) and her idea of "ground driving" was to be dragged all about the yard. I had thought of trying to drive him myself, but figured if he was giving his owner this much trouble, a stranger would be just a big game. We thanked her for her time and left. 

Tonka needs to be work with too... and actually in some ways, Duke took that away from him. Because Duke was just so easy to drive, and could go in a moments notice.. that's what I did. I know more about driving now, thanks to Duke, and have decided that I probably already have a pretty good driving horse... I just need to bring him out. So, I did just that... when we got back from seeing the other horse, I harnessed Duke and out we went. 

Astrid dropped by... (she's really sad too)...and took these photos of Tonka and I. Now, he hasn't really been touched either, but the total difference between him and the horse we just saw gives me real courage. He knows and respected all his manners.. and actually seemed quite happy to have attention. Well, I know he's happy because he's grieving too.

He stood nicely, responded well to quiet ques  and I was pleased. I'm not exactly ready to hitch him to the wagonette.... but one day, I might be able to

We walked out along the pasture, and then I even took him up and down the road... he was a very good boy...

I know we will get another horse... I think we all need one.. but, I need to make a new commitment to what I already have... the exercise would be good just to start.. I can do the walking.. the more I work with Tonka, the better we will understand each other. And perhaps, I have what I'm looking for right in my own back yard. Either way.. time is the great healer... and we'll be sad for a very long time here around the farm.... but life is every day, and we need to enjoy it... 

So, to a new normal... 

ornaments and a birthday

We have a trip coming up in a few days... and when we get back, it will be the start of the holiday season. So, I decided to get our tree up and put up a few decorations, so that when we return.. it will be ready. I head to the cellar and pull out the ornament box, and opening it up.. kind of feels like old friends have returned for a visit. I started collecting ornaments when I was 15... always thinking "one day I'll have my own tree". It was crazy collecting, just an ornament or two a year, but now, when I pull them out and think they are "40 years old"... it just doesn't seem possible....

Our tree isn't "real".. which living in the great state where we grown Christmas trees, seems kind of "mean".. but I have to admit having a fake means they can go up much sooner and stay longer. So for now, I will do with putting the real greens on the doors and enjoying the fake inside. I will say, we did buy a good one, so it's a little hard to know it isn't real... and some trees I have seen are even harder to judge.... and it has it conveniences... but, I miss the hunt of the real tree and even though it was a bother... all the "events' that go with bringing a real tree in and getting it up....

The little brown dog was "great help" decorating the tree... and lets hope that sir Henry doesn't think this is a jungle gym for him to climb.... to be safe... we'll tie it to the wall... we have had tree falling disasters in the past!!!

But, back to the ornaments... there are some special ones that hold huge stories... and as much as I hate to admit it.. this poor (ugly) one comes to the top of the list. I'd had this one "gone" years ago, but Ed won't hear of it. I made this ornament ... when we were teens, there was a whole group of us that hung out. We were just into the driving stage, and many of the guys had vehicles... pick up trucks, jeeps... we were all associated with the fire department, and though there were couples, we were all friends. So one year, I made these "Santas" for everyone's vehicles to hand from the rear view mirror... I gave them out and all the guys hung them in their vehicles. Back then, my dear Ed had a crush on me... it was years later before we (I) had the brains to realize what a great couple we were (are)... but if there were any doubt how he felt about it, this could be a sign. He kept that silly Santa ornament for years!!!!! even to the point that the first Christmas we were married and had our own tree... he pulled this out and put it on our tree. It's was in pretty sad shape then, because he had kept it so long, and I tried to not have it on the tree, but he insisted... as he has every single year since. And when the tree goes up, he looks to be certain that "his Santa" is hung... I often try to hide it in the back of the tree somewhere, only to find he has moved it up front where everyone can see it..... so this year, I gave up... it's on the tree... kind of in the front... and he just gives me a smile when he sees it.... 

This one is prettier... it says.. first Christmas together... we bought it when we were married... 1981.... that make it 35 years this past summer...... 

And then the "memory" ornaments... Dogs are a big topic... horses, hand made ... I don't have so many of the girls ornaments, because I have passed those on....

and ornaments of our loved ones in the past... here's Moxie's... I suppose I need to (when I feel stronger) order ones for Hunter, Camille and Duke... but for this year.. not ready to see ones like this for them...

And because I do love ornaments so much, we often look for them when we travel.. and I pretty much have them from each trip we have taken... which leads to this one from colonial Williamsburg... which is where we are going in just a few days.... and I am sure I will come back with another one from there. 

So, as we get started with he holiday season... so many emotions come up... my Dad's health... the recent loss of our pets... the excitement of the grands... our trip.... it's almost overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time... 

And just to squeeze in another celebration... Mom's birthday. Which coming on the heels of Thanksgiving can sometimes be over looked in a way. but, tonight we celebrate with cake, and the happiness that Dad is home to be there with us...

We all come together in our childhood home....

And have the grands who remind us of how important and fun birthday are.... where one must have cake, candles and sing!!!!! Seeing Reagan's smile at all this reminds us that a child like attitude can be so important in this adult world of ours...

So, we sing... we blow out the candles.. we cut the cake and celebrate today... just today and the blessings we have right now... because life changes quickly and when the good things surround you.... you don't want to miss out on them.....