Wednesday, February 03, 2010

it's been a year....


Well.. here it is.. the "one year anniversary", if you will... when I said good bye to my dear little Moxie. I would love to tell you that I am doing "just fine" in this department, that I can laugh and tell funny stories about her... that I can speak her name without crying... but the truth is .. I can't. My tears are as close as if it all happened yesterday, maybe I don't cry daily, but I do still cry weekly. The memory of this "awful" day I can bring up in every detail, and sadly it does replay over and over in my mind. And sometimes the strangest things set me off.




I often wonder why it is like this with Mox and me, I certainly have and do love my other dogs.. what is it about her? And then I realized, I think...


Moxie was "there" for some very interesting parts of my life... she was "there" when we were raising teenagers. Anyone who has muddled thru the teen years will know exactly what I mean... and during those rough moments, she was "there" to comfort me, to listen to me rant.. to get me thru.





and then, another time, when the word "cancer" came into my life. By the grace of God, it wasn't cancer, but still - a tumor that required major surgery.. Moxie was there.. during those scary moments, during a six week recovery.. taking those first few walks, getting me back on my feet....



and dog classes, she was "there".. helping with the other puppies, showing off in front of the students.. making me look "good".. my little buddy.. my little pal.... she was "there'... she was "there" day to day, moment to moment, and step by step.....



and now, quite simply.. she just isn't "there" anymore.. she's always "here" in my heart, my soul, my memories... my tears.



I don't mean to make this sound as though she were my "only".. of course my dear hubby is also "there"... as is Camille, Hunter, Trevor, Tazzy , Cole and now.. even little Chester puppy... so it isn't like I don't have any other "back up" or love and support.. it's just that Moxie did it her own way.. and I guess that is what I miss.

In some ways, I am glad to have this "first:" year behind me... and it's still strange to me
that I now have students who have no idea of "who Moxie is"... because it's now Camille that covers my back...or on the farm, there is just five spaniels and not the six.. and maybe this year ahead, (because it isn't filled with all the "firsts") will be the year that I feel I can begin to heal from all of this...



but honestly... I don't think so... Hey Mox... I still love you!!!!!