trying to re-group.... and reflect.....

Needless to say, it's been an awful, awful.... awful week. My head and heart are still in a tail spin, and it feels so quiet an empty around here. Two less dog bowls to feed out, empty stall in the barn... it's what happens when you love animals so much. You surround yourself with their love and yet know that they don't live with you (physically) forever... and you make the gamble of if it's worth it. It is, I know that answer, but you have to be willing to deal with the heart ache too.

The worst part is, we didn't expect it from either Cam or Duke...sure, they were both showing some age, but over all their health appeared to be good. It's a good reminder to me that you really need to take care of them, regular vet visits, knowing their habits... spending the time with them... because the obviously can't tell you when they don't feel well... you just need to know. And even with all that, you can be taken by surprise. The last thing I expected was to see Cam's x-rays showing all those tumors in her lungs.... And with Duke, the weather causing him to be thrown off.. and then colic.... 

but in my heart of hearts, we loved these two so very much and did everything in our power to give them happy heathy lives, and they knew it. They loved us back... and there are people who have not as a good of a life as our pets do....

And then, what do I do... begin to look to see "what is out there" for another horse. I saw an ad for one and Ed and I went to look. Maybe it's too soon, I need to chose right for both me and Tonka. We looked at a spotted draft, he was quite handsome and the lady was pretty nice. She told me that he hasn't had any attention in over a year, OK.. I get that... means he needs work. But, what I saw totally shocked me. Work wasn't even the word. His manners were horrid.. not respect for space.. they harnessed him (with some trouble) and her idea of "ground driving" was to be dragged all about the yard. I had thought of trying to drive him myself, but figured if he was giving his owner this much trouble, a stranger would be just a big game. We thanked her for her time and left. 

Tonka needs to be work with too... and actually in some ways, Duke took that away from him. Because Duke was just so easy to drive, and could go in a moments notice.. that's what I did. I know more about driving now, thanks to Duke, and have decided that I probably already have a pretty good driving horse... I just need to bring him out. So, I did just that... when we got back from seeing the other horse, I harnessed Duke and out we went. 

Astrid dropped by... (she's really sad too)...and took these photos of Tonka and I. Now, he hasn't really been touched either, but the total difference between him and the horse we just saw gives me real courage. He knows and respected all his manners.. and actually seemed quite happy to have attention. Well, I know he's happy because he's grieving too.

He stood nicely, responded well to quiet ques  and I was pleased. I'm not exactly ready to hitch him to the wagonette.... but one day, I might be able to

We walked out along the pasture, and then I even took him up and down the road... he was a very good boy...

I know we will get another horse... I think we all need one.. but, I need to make a new commitment to what I already have... the exercise would be good just to start.. I can do the walking.. the more I work with Tonka, the better we will understand each other. And perhaps, I have what I'm looking for right in my own back yard. Either way.. time is the great healer... and we'll be sad for a very long time here around the farm.... but life is every day, and we need to enjoy it... 

So, to a new normal... 

ornaments and a birthday

We have a trip coming up in a few days... and when we get back, it will be the start of the holiday season. So, I decided to get our tree up and put up a few decorations, so that when we return.. it will be ready. I head to the cellar and pull out the ornament box, and opening it up.. kind of feels like old friends have returned for a visit. I started collecting ornaments when I was 15... always thinking "one day I'll have my own tree". It was crazy collecting, just an ornament or two a year, but now, when I pull them out and think they are "40 years old"... it just doesn't seem possible....

Our tree isn't "real".. which living in the great state where we grown Christmas trees, seems kind of "mean".. but I have to admit having a fake means they can go up much sooner and stay longer. So for now, I will do with putting the real greens on the doors and enjoying the fake inside. I will say, we did buy a good one, so it's a little hard to know it isn't real... and some trees I have seen are even harder to judge.... and it has it conveniences... but, I miss the hunt of the real tree and even though it was a bother... all the "events' that go with bringing a real tree in and getting it up....

The little brown dog was "great help" decorating the tree... and lets hope that sir Henry doesn't think this is a jungle gym for him to climb.... to be safe... we'll tie it to the wall... we have had tree falling disasters in the past!!!

But, back to the ornaments... there are some special ones that hold huge stories... and as much as I hate to admit it.. this poor (ugly) one comes to the top of the list. I'd had this one "gone" years ago, but Ed won't hear of it. I made this ornament ... when we were teens, there was a whole group of us that hung out. We were just into the driving stage, and many of the guys had vehicles... pick up trucks, jeeps... we were all associated with the fire department, and though there were couples, we were all friends. So one year, I made these "Santas" for everyone's vehicles to hand from the rear view mirror... I gave them out and all the guys hung them in their vehicles. Back then, my dear Ed had a crush on me... it was years later before we (I) had the brains to realize what a great couple we were (are)... but if there were any doubt how he felt about it, this could be a sign. He kept that silly Santa ornament for years!!!!! even to the point that the first Christmas we were married and had our own tree... he pulled this out and put it on our tree. It's was in pretty sad shape then, because he had kept it so long, and I tried to not have it on the tree, but he insisted... as he has every single year since. And when the tree goes up, he looks to be certain that "his Santa" is hung... I often try to hide it in the back of the tree somewhere, only to find he has moved it up front where everyone can see it..... so this year, I gave up... it's on the tree... kind of in the front... and he just gives me a smile when he sees it.... 

This one is prettier... it says.. first Christmas together... we bought it when we were married... 1981.... that make it 35 years this past summer...... 

And then the "memory" ornaments... Dogs are a big topic... horses, hand made ... I don't have so many of the girls ornaments, because I have passed those on....

and ornaments of our loved ones in the past... here's Moxie's... I suppose I need to (when I feel stronger) order ones for Hunter, Camille and Duke... but for this year.. not ready to see ones like this for them...

And because I do love ornaments so much, we often look for them when we travel.. and I pretty much have them from each trip we have taken... which leads to this one from colonial Williamsburg... which is where we are going in just a few days.... and I am sure I will come back with another one from there. 

So, as we get started with he holiday season... so many emotions come up... my Dad's health... the recent loss of our pets... the excitement of the grands... our trip.... it's almost overwhelming and wonderful all at the same time... 

And just to squeeze in another celebration... Mom's birthday. Which coming on the heels of Thanksgiving can sometimes be over looked in a way. but, tonight we celebrate with cake, and the happiness that Dad is home to be there with us...

We all come together in our childhood home....

And have the grands who remind us of how important and fun birthday are.... where one must have cake, candles and sing!!!!! Seeing Reagan's smile at all this reminds us that a child like attitude can be so important in this adult world of ours...

So, we sing... we blow out the candles.. we cut the cake and celebrate today... just today and the blessings we have right now... because life changes quickly and when the good things surround you.... you don't want to miss out on them.....

Thanksgiving.....

So it's Thanksgiving once again...and we are happily getting ready for the family to come and join us in this special event. I think one of the most thankful things this year for me, is that my Dad is coming up as well. His health continues to decline and the past few months, he has spent more time in the hospital than at home.. including all of last week. So the fact that he is home, and willing to make the voyage to the farm is almost amazing. That, and the fact that most of the rest of the family will be here, means so much. (especially after the losses we have just had). So, the dining room is all ready to go...

And this year, we even need a "kids" table.. though there will be more adults than kids at the table.. but it's nice to know we need more 

The weather has warmed again, and has left us with just traces of the snow... I going to find it a dreadful winter if this is how the weather goes... this warm then cold, and warm again, isn't good for any of us... animals included and after this business with Duke, I'm going to be jumpy about the other horses.....

I did a bit of changing the house around... moving our deacon's bench to the mud room makes for a nice sitting spot and then I realized I can even show off some of my quilts as well..... Mona seems to approve of this new arrangement

Since we didn't raise birds this past year, we are using up the ones left in the freezer... it still takes two of them to feed everyone invited, but that's ok because as soon as we get them used up, we will have room to raise again. We're pretty certain that we'll do another batch next summer. I like the idea of raising our own birds, and truthfully, you just can't beat home raised animals. I think I have become quite spoiled with really good meat...... 

Everyone arrives... the house is filled with sound and action.. the tables fill up and as I suspected.. the kids table included more than kids.....or perhaps just all the big kids went there...

A prayer is said, and this is a family that truly knows blessings and I have to say... are truly blessed... so much good food prepared by many hands, and so much fun and happy talk to catch up on...

And then, two surprise guests!!!! The story is long to tell, but we have friends who are from Germany (and then New Zealand).. and we have known them for a very long - long time. Manfred and his son are visiting here in the states, and took the time to come to the farm and have Thanksgiving dinner with us. It was so much fun to catch up on all sorts of things, and of course talk about the past all when we all met and the like. My Dad really enjoyed this time with them both.

Manfred moved his family to New Zealand from Germany for work. From here, they are going onto Germany to visit with friends and family before returning home.... a lot of travel, but while we have them here, we are certainly going to enjoy their company.

After dinner, we walked to the barn to see the animals... no sleigh or cart rides this year, but everyone still wanted to see the "barn"... and then back for dessert and more conversation.... Mom and Dad stayed most of the day, which was really wonderful, but Dad did begin to tire and they headed back. 

Naomi and Abi.. bored of adult conversation, had a nice time playing together outside with their little horses..... we missed not having the boys this year.. but with the families getting bigger.. sharing is a must.

And so, the holiday season has officially begun. This year I have a deep appreciation for what we have right now.. because, you really never know what the next week... the next day will bring. So.. a promise to myself is that I am going to enjoy every single moment of this special time of the year. I'm not going to fuss or worry about what didn't or isn't... and have already decided it's my new resolution ... I'm not waiting until the new year to declare it.. because "it' is now....

it feel like a nightmare

This was Saturday.... a warm beautiful day... I had promised a friend a drive with Duke.. she took me up on it... I happily hitched and she, her little daughter and I were off. Duke was wonderful... after they left, I even took a little ride.. just the two of us... it was a perfect, perfect day!!!!

It was just what I needed... still grieving from Camille... and trying to "get on with life"... Mocha getting her therapy horse certificate and the pretty new snow helped a little. But weather can be a curse.. and this is what has happened.... Our darling Duke is gone...even now as I recall the words.. my tears come quickly. 

All "horsemen" know.. extremely changes in weather can be bad for horses, partially older ones, it can cause them to colic .. and not that you can control things like that.. but we watch..I always worried about extreme weather with old Silver and never really worried about Duke, but he was older too. Saturday weather in the 60's and Monday in the teens.... not not good.

I got out of dog classes and found on the phone several messages from Ed... Duke was down and the vet was on the way. I called home fast... the vet was there, and Ed said come right along.. things were not going well. 

Arriving home, I found Ed, the vet and our dear Duke in huge distress... the vet had already been there a couple of hours, and had done everything that could be done. Duke was calmer so there was a glimmer of hope, but he still did not have any "gut sounds" on one side... and she was "afraid" to give him any more meds. We walked him, we watched him, and then instead of turning the corner, the pains began again, and he was back, perhaps even worse than he was when it all began.  

I told the vet that we just lost Camille four days ago, that we couldn't be facing the loss of another one of our beloved pets... but nature can be cruel. We talked about taking him to the equine clinic, but the night was so bitterly cold and the vet didn't think a ride int he trailer would be wise... and that they probably couldn't do much more at the clinic than we had already done.  Time passed, he was not better.... there was no other decision to make....

Tonka was beside himself when we walked Duke out of the barn, and laid him down ... Ed sobbed.... I did too... so did the vet..... our beautiful boy was "gone".....

Our gentle giant .. we just celebrated his fifth year with us. He taught us so much about driving, he was Tonka's best friend , he brought such joy to our farm, and I still can't believe he's gone until I walk out and see his stall.... empty.....

We were going to do the Wells parade with him, I was thinking about sleighing and so very much enjoyed our drives this fall in the little wagonette.... and this hurt... on top of Camille's... is going to take a very very long time to heal.

thank you Duke, thank you for your love and your understanding... we gave you the best home we possibly could.. I think you knew that.. and for the short time you were with us.. we will never ... never forget.....

first winter's snow...

On Saturday, it was 60 degrees... we were all out in shirt sleeves... yesterday, the air began to change, and then here it is... the first true snow fall of the year......the feeder was busy this morning.......

Coming home from Mocha's test, it was just beginning to snow, but, I guess it is that time of year...just kind of "hard" to take when it goes from one type of weather to another in a day....