trying to re-group.... and reflect.....

Needless to say, it's been an awful, awful.... awful week. My head and heart are still in a tail spin, and it feels so quiet an empty around here. Two less dog bowls to feed out, empty stall in the barn... it's what happens when you love animals so much. You surround yourself with their love and yet know that they don't live with you (physically) forever... and you make the gamble of if it's worth it. It is, I know that answer, but you have to be willing to deal with the heart ache too.

The worst part is, we didn't expect it from either Cam or Duke...sure, they were both showing some age, but over all their health appeared to be good. It's a good reminder to me that you really need to take care of them, regular vet visits, knowing their habits... spending the time with them... because the obviously can't tell you when they don't feel well... you just need to know. And even with all that, you can be taken by surprise. The last thing I expected was to see Cam's x-rays showing all those tumors in her lungs.... And with Duke, the weather causing him to be thrown off.. and then colic.... 

but in my heart of hearts, we loved these two so very much and did everything in our power to give them happy heathy lives, and they knew it. They loved us back... and there are people who have not as a good of a life as our pets do....

And then, what do I do... begin to look to see "what is out there" for another horse. I saw an ad for one and Ed and I went to look. Maybe it's too soon, I need to chose right for both me and Tonka. We looked at a spotted draft, he was quite handsome and the lady was pretty nice. She told me that he hasn't had any attention in over a year, OK.. I get that... means he needs work. But, what I saw totally shocked me. Work wasn't even the word. His manners were horrid.. not respect for space.. they harnessed him (with some trouble) and her idea of "ground driving" was to be dragged all about the yard. I had thought of trying to drive him myself, but figured if he was giving his owner this much trouble, a stranger would be just a big game. We thanked her for her time and left. 

Tonka needs to be work with too... and actually in some ways, Duke took that away from him. Because Duke was just so easy to drive, and could go in a moments notice.. that's what I did. I know more about driving now, thanks to Duke, and have decided that I probably already have a pretty good driving horse... I just need to bring him out. So, I did just that... when we got back from seeing the other horse, I harnessed Duke and out we went. 

Astrid dropped by... (she's really sad too)...and took these photos of Tonka and I. Now, he hasn't really been touched either, but the total difference between him and the horse we just saw gives me real courage. He knows and respected all his manners.. and actually seemed quite happy to have attention. Well, I know he's happy because he's grieving too.

He stood nicely, responded well to quiet ques  and I was pleased. I'm not exactly ready to hitch him to the wagonette.... but one day, I might be able to

We walked out along the pasture, and then I even took him up and down the road... he was a very good boy...

I know we will get another horse... I think we all need one.. but, I need to make a new commitment to what I already have... the exercise would be good just to start.. I can do the walking.. the more I work with Tonka, the better we will understand each other. And perhaps, I have what I'm looking for right in my own back yard. Either way.. time is the great healer... and we'll be sad for a very long time here around the farm.... but life is every day, and we need to enjoy it... 

So, to a new normal...